Marilyn F. Brady

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Original Handwriting

Transcription

I want to stand on a bridge And throw rocks And then jump off. I want to hide in a closet Alone in the dark Curled up in a ball 'Til I am no more. I want to run far away Until some other day Some other day far, far away. I want to climb to a mountain top And live in a tent My spirit spent. I want to shout at the wind And wish it were my friend And that the pain would end.

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I did indeed do it, Indeed I did. I wailed, I begged, I pleaded. But why were the Heavens sealed. I tried, I really did, Indeed I did. I kept both eyes open And both ears too. Why were there no answers for me Why was I left to suffer and bleed In the darkness, in emptiness, in desparation. I cried and I tried, Indeed I did. Only to be backed to the wall With Heavenly silence. Where were you God, When I did not hear your voice And did not see your face. Why was I not rescued from the pain Is it perhaps these sufferings Were meant to be. Perhaps indeed they were. Why? Because it built a better me. Indeed it did.

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The crying's over But the pain's not gone. How do you expect me, Lord, to go on. Day after day the pain still stays, I am banished to live in hell most of my days. Will this nightmare ever end, Over the rainbow and 'round the bend. Is there hope, Is there truly hope for me. Can there be a cure, can it possibly be, That in this lifetime my spirit is freed. Free to fly among the sun and the stars, And to find the peace I'm pleading for. Give me the strength until then to endure And to find the help I'm still searching for. I love you still, I always have and I always will. Wilt thou succor me and help me hang on until Your will for me is revealed. Over the Rainbow and 'Round The Bend Where eternal love will never end.

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I didn't want the music to ever end, So I played the song over and over until I'd had my fill. Somehow the tune was all encompassing, And I poured out my pain to the throb of the melody.

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Tread lightly. Don't rattle my cage, Don't look at me cross-eyed. I feel like the shell of an egg, Delicate, fragile, thin-shelled and waiting to be cracked. So don't lay your troubles at my feet. Don't unravel your tales of woe, Don't bleed before my eyes and Expose before me your soul. I have weighty cares of my own today, Enough sand of my own to sift for a fortnight or two. It's not that I don't care. No need for distress, my friend, I do love you still. It's just that I have wounds of my own to lick, Battles of my own to fight. When I retreat and pull the blankets up to my chin, It's not that I love you less, It's just that even pillars of strength Need time to crumble a bit too.

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There are corners of my mind None else have ever seen, Special hidden corridors Where only I have been. Secrets only I must know, Treasures that are not for show, Journeys where none else can go. Lonely trails are blazed alone On private paths I sometimes roam. Safe and free from another's scorn, My inner core is naked born; Where untamed feelings tend to fly In thoughts and wishes undenied, Are human scenes both lived and died.

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I was in chains and no one had the key. I was in hell and no one could see, I was in pain yet no one soothed my brow. No one reached out perhaps they knew not how. I was in darkness when all around was black. Each day I prayed I'd find the pathway back. I needed rescueing before I'd surely die. I lost my soul and no one did know why.

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I've done it before. I'm not new at it. Walking the thin line, balancing in mid-air; The same rules apply: Stand straight, chin up, One step at a time. Don't look too far ahead, Don't look back. And whatever you do, look up. Do not look down. It is a thin line, So do not step over it. Remember balance; balance is the key. You must be strong, There is no allowance for wavering. Each time you fall the safety net becomes farther away. What happens when I fall and there is no net?

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Although I didn't know it yet, the enemy was stalking me. Progressively and cunningly, it began lurking in shadows and obscure corners. The descent was gradual at first; Cautiously, it crept nearer while I wasn't looking, while my eyes were turned away. Eventually, I began to notice something was amiss, though I was yet unable to decipher the cause of my mounting uneasiness. My well-being began to decline. I was falling into some sort of trap, being made prisoner of an unseen force. Sleep began to elude me. Energy waned, leaving me too weak to function. Apathy filled my once active brain. Emptiness crowded the cavity of my chest and pressed my heart until it ached. With dark, deceiving hands, fear set out to smother me, muffling the screams that bounced off the walls in my head. What was this nebulous opponent that held me in it's clutches, squeezing the life from me a drop at a time? My inner core was evaporating. I prayed I would vanish altogether. If there were no more me, at least there would be no more pain. Relief, Relief, Relief... was the only sound that echoed through the isolation. Please, someone slip me a key! This dastardly demon, Depression, has me locked inside myself with no way out!

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Time to face yet another day. To pull myself out of the black pit of one more sleepless night. Time to rise to the occasion, Jump on the bandwagon that's rolling forward towards life. Stuff in the emptiness, the problems, the pain. Cram them into your already aching heart where no one else can see. Put on the makeup. Paste on the smile. It's time to reapply the mask. No one must know the truth, No one must know of the solitude that's hidden beneath the mask.

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I carefully applied the makeup — lipstick, eye shadow, a touch of blush I even painted my nails and carefully color co-ordinated my outfit Hair was combed and in place I looked approvingly in the mirror and knew I could pass the test Last of all I stuck on the external smile When I was greeted at church Everyone commented on how well I looked, "You look great, you must be feeling good." I took my place on the bench. The meeting began and during the opening song I heard the muffled screams that bounced off the walls of my mind. No one knew what was concealed under the external smile. Then the thought occured to me, How many others are sitting here with a pasted on smile Wishing someone would see their pain

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I want to scream and shout And tear my hair out. I want to stomp and squish And run away from all this. I want to scratch, I want to hit, Then give up my stomach's pit. I want to yell, I want to crush I want to rip, I want to tear I want to hide, I want to swear, I want to sigh and breathe deep And forget it all when I go to sleep. I want to kick, I want to shove I want to slap, I want to spit And that's about the size of it. Me, Having a bad day? You be the judge

Original Print

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Christ had been struck, beaten, and flogged before the heavy cross of wood was placed upon His shoulders. Weakened and weary, the weight He carried was too much and He stumbled and fell, unable to go on. As the crowd looked on, a man named Simon from Cyrene was assigned to step forth to assist. This solider of relief helped Christ to carry His burdensome load until they reached the fateful Hill of Calvary. On days when the weight of my own cross seems too heavy to bear and I fall and can't go on, I remember the stranger in the crowd and realize, that like unto the Savior, I too may need help in carrying my cross. — Marilyn F. Brady